I talked to Twala Andrino yesterday about Mama and counseling, then talked to Mama last night about it… I think that Twala could potentially help Mama. Sometimes, I just want to stop trying to “fix” and just “be.” If Mama’s depressed, just let her be depressed. If Daddy’s strung out, and if Susanna’s in denial, just let them be. Why do I always try to FIX everything and everyone? Why don’t I just sit back and try to take things at face-value every once in a while? It’s exhausting – the constant analysis, worry, and guilt that is a regular part of every day.
Like yesterday, for example – I fixated from the moment I got up until the moment I fell asleep last night. I worked all day, but really did nothing – I called Twala at lunch and had an emotional moment, tried to analyze why Tom is upset about David, zoomed to Townville and fixed dinner and tried to fix Mama, Daddy and Susanna, zoomed back to Anderson and immediately got on the computer, was completely irate when the internet didn’t work because it was interfering with my projected level of productivity, and finally just laid in bed and stared at the ceiling and fixated on money and stress and Mama and just the general suckiness of life. Now that it an exhausting day – not fun, not good, not positive – just exhausting.