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Mama’s 7th treatment was yesterday, and the HCP freaked her out as usual. He comes storming in with this very serious look, and says “Your tumor markers have shot up in the last 3 weeks, the treatment’s not working, we’re scheduling a CT scan for next week, I’m doing my homework, and we’re going to start a new chemo.”

Now, this is bad on so many levels…
#1 – Mama turned into a basket case, and Daddy started doing the death talk thing again. #2 – she’s triple negative, which means that Taxol not working is very, very not good – her chemo options are limited, and he’s marking a huge one off the list. #3 – and here’s the kicker – the tumor marker that he was looking at was dated Jan 30th!! Over a stinkin MONTH AGO!! The marker from two weeks ago was actually 3.8 pts lower than the Jan 30th marker – 59.9 (2/20) vs. 63.7 (1/30). The top of the range is 60, so she’s still high – but my god, why would he only be seeing Jan 30th’s marker on Mar 6th?!??

I talked myself down last night – went to Townville, talked to Mama, Daddy and Jennifer, acted like everything was going to be ok, and miraculously, everything really felt ok by the time I left last night. But I think it needs to be pointed out to O’Rourke that he missed a big fat red flag… my god, it’s so annoying.

But the bottom line is this. God has a plan. O’Rourke doesn’t know the plan – he only knows what he sees on the test results, and apparently he doesn’t even know that sometimes. So we need to take his words and run them through the “do they make us feel better” filter. If the answer is yes, file them away and save them for later. If the answer is no, discard immediately and trust that God’s going to take care of it.

Call it oversimplification, but here’s what I’m thinking – God has a giant wall calendar hanging in his office in the sky. And on this wall calendar, which goes until the end of time, he has dates circled for each person. Now I believe – and this is my theory based on predestination, and perfect will vs. free will, and all that stuff – I’ve thrown all these into a pot, and brewed up my own concoction – that some dates are set in stone. Like your birthday, for example – he knew this from before the beginning of time, and it’s set – it doesn’t move. But the other dates are subject to change based on perfect vs. free will. He has a “perfect will” date for every significant event of your life – marriage, new jobs, death, even conception of your children (which of course means that their birth dates aren’t set in stone after all…oops, that’s a tiny glitch in my theory). Anyway, there’s a “perfect” date for each of these events – and if you make the decisions (here’s where free will comes in) that you’re supposed to make and don’t screw up his plan, this is when these things will happen to you, including your death.

HOWEVER – here’s the but… If you go into the “free will” category – ie, Karen Banks deciding not to take chemo – your life plan defaults to the free will dates. I believe that God had a “perfect will” date on the calendar for Karen – but when she refused chemo, it moved up to the “free will” date, which was MUCH earlier than her perfect date. And I think that you can sometimes fluctuate between perfect and free –But some decisions are too big – like Karen not taking chemo – this puts her permanently on the free will plan, because no decision following that one was big enough to revert the action that she had already set into motion.

So the theory applies to Mama – she has a “perfect will” date and “free will” date. If everything goes the way we’re praying it will, she gets her “perfect” date, which I believe is like 20 or 30 years from now. But if she doesn’t believe, her “free will” date might kick in, which is much sooner than any of us want. I know that God ultimately has control – he already knows which date applies to each person.

I wonder if God’s up there sniggering at me right now, thinking “wow, she is so off-base”?… I hope he’s not annoyed.

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