Whew, a lot has happened. Can’t go into all details, so will summarize.
My doctor appt with Hearn the OBGYN went fine. I really, really, REALLY like him – will willingly entrust the birth of my eventual baby to him. He just patted me on the shoulder and handed me tissue as I cried about breast cancer, then explained to me that there’s an appropriate amount of concern (which is defined as self-breast exams, and calling the doctor if you find something, and regular check-ups and mammograms) and an inappropriate amount of concern (which is defined as fear that drives your life and is lurking in every waking thought and is waiting on you when you finally fall asleep every night) and I am firmly in the category of INAPPROPRIATE. He explained that genetics actually play less of role than I thought because we’ve only had one occurrence in our family, and that age is actually a much, much larger factor in breast cancer than genetics. After talking to a radiologist, he agreed to write an order a mammogram even though he thinks it’s a waste of time until I’m 35 or so – but it’s worth the peace of mind that it’ll bring. Gave me a lesson on the correct way to perform a self-breast exam. Talked about getting pregnant, the emotions and stresses surrounding that, and how to balance the desire to get pregnant with the need to stay balanced. Oh, it was an excellent visit.
The lump on Mama’s head continues to get bigger. It freaks me out, but I feel helpless. I’m scared that it’s cancer, but the logical, rational voice in my head tells me that the reason that they don’t seem worried about the lump is because it’s not life-threatening… it’s a symptom of the life-threatening problem, which is cancer in the liver. If breast cancer takes her life, it will be through her organs – her liver, her lungs, her brain. It won’t be the lump on her head. Somehow, though, I don’t find any comfort in that thought, no matter how true it may be.
Jennifer’s first appt was last Monday, the 12th. Hearn was wonderful once again – put her mind at rest about how it’s ok to not be completely excited about the baby at this point, and also gave her a prescription for Zoloft that I sure as hell hope kicks in soon. She got excited about the baby for the first time on Monday – she had an ultrasound, and we saw it move for the first time. It rolled over and squirmed like a little critter… it was truly amazing. She got sick again on Wednesday (happy valentine’s day to Tom) and had to go to the ER again to get fluids. Was diagnosed with a urinary tract infection. I don’t know…. None of my friends have had this many issues during their pregnancies.
Monday was kind of a tough day. Seeing the baby on that screen, I felt the tears just coming… and Tom kept telling everybody “it’s the first grandbaby, it’s the first grandbaby.” And it is… I just wish it were mine. It’s such a displaced feeling not being first. But that logical, rational voice (it has a lot to say these days) says that of all the stuff that I could go second on, this would probably be one of the best… I’m getting to experience the whole thing second-hand, and honestly, Bobby and I can’t even handle ourselves a good bit of the time as it is… throwing a pregnancy in the mix would probably not be the best idea.
And I’ve had a breakthrough with Ron in the last two weeks. I think he likes me after all. Today, he called me into his office to tell me that I’m now the “gatekeeper” of all displaced invoices and said “is that ok?” And of course I nodded because, honestly, I don’t care. And he said “it’s just so good to have you here” I looked at him and said “you actually sound like you mean that” and he said “of course I mean it, I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t.” so I smiled and thanked him for the warm and fuzzy moment and he laughed and said “ya know I love ya” as I left his office. So I’m thinking that of course it’s going to pass and we’ll probably hate each other again next week, but on a scale from 1 to 10 (1 being where we started, 10 being I’m his favorite), I think I just passed the half-way mark. So yay for me.
And about Bobby. He started with Champion Communications this week. Makes me nervous as hell, but he’s thrilled so I’m trying to control my eye twitch. He’s part-time, moved his equipment up to the office this week. He is free to do free-lance work as long as he only bills them for their clients’ stuff. I’m wondering how all of this is going to affect Rettew Wedding Productions… he’s saying that he can’t work on weddings during the day, and that he’ll have to do them at night… which I think means that he’s not going to be doing a lot of weddings this year. He has said since the beginning that weddings were not his ultimate goal, that the equipment would get him so much more than that. So maybe this is where we phase ourselves out? We have a wedding festival next weekend – I’m dreading it like the plaque, but I know that the more money that that equipment can make for us, the closer we are to paying it off. So it’s back to weddings we go. But I really am thinking about bailing out on some of them this year. This wedding business is his baby – it’s what he wanted, it’s what he put us $25000 more in debt for. I don’t think it’ll hurt him to do some by himself…. I have a feeling that that’ll go over like a lead balloon.
And Michele bought a truly, truly gorgeous house this week…. I’m so happy for her, and (kinda ashamed to say it, but here goes) so jealous. I so, so want a house… I’m so, so sick of that apartment. But I keep telling myself that we’re doing the right thing by scaling back. That eventually (fingers crossed) maybe I’ll be able to have a house as beautiful as hers. But I’m pretty sure that we’ll never be on a golf course… pretty dang sure that they would kick us right out the first time we had one of our classic SarahBobby brawls. Bobby and I are spastic and unsettled and (as I told Bobby the other day) one step up from a coupla hobos. We’re going to continue to live in our seventies-infested apartment until we pay off our freakin debt, or make SOME kind of progress. Then and only then will we buy a non-golf course house. Things are not normal for us. Why should we live on a golf course like one of those normal golf course people who will continually show us how un-normal we are?
I really, truly am so happy for Michele. I remember when I first met her… I thought that she couldn’t be real – that no one could possibly be that nice. But she is. She’s truly, truly the most caring, thoughtful person I’ve ever met. No one deserves a beautiful, perfect, golf-course house more than sweet Michele!
Argh – I realized lately that April 15th is only two months away… I’m terrified of what the IRS is going to want this year. It’s our first year of Rettew Weddings, and I have a sneaky feeling that we might owe every dollar we’ve saved. But if we owe a ton of money, we’ll figure out a way to pay a ton of money. And then we’ll readjust, and start all over again. We are rocking it out with the credit card and business debt… WOW. That’s truly, horribly impressive. And that’s not even counting our student loans or car.