So I had a realization this weekend that it’s time for me to go back on happy pills.
All the symptoms are there – I’m completely overwhelmed by every aspect of my life. This job, moving away from a neat little townhouse with a job I knew to a crappy too-small apartment with this job, being close to my family again & trying to figure out how to balance their never-ending demands, Mama’s diagnosis and how to come to terms with the phrase “lifestyle change”, as well as her denial, childish behavior and mood-swings as well as the fear that we’re going to lose her, Jennifer becoming pregnant, which has emotional implications for me as well as making her more needy, Bobby moving down and being unemployed – it’s driving me crazy knowing that he’s sitting at home doing nothing while the bathroom continues to get filthier and the furniture continues to get dustier with every passing day… and yet he acts like it’s not his responsibility.. the financial implications of one income, with the uncertainty of not knowing if/when he’s going to get hired…. I decided this weekend that I’m the textbook definition of someone that should be on happy pills. So I’m doing it immediately.
And Ron’s back – he makes me so nervous and I think that I’ve identified why. At first, he was just very obviously an unreasonable and volatile man. But lately, I dread him walking by, I dread seeing his name in my inbox, I dread seeing his car in the parking lot. And I think I’ve identified the root cause… it’s because I am not performing up to my potential – very far from it actually, and I know it and I’m afraid that he knows it too.
I feel, for the first time in my life, that I have ADD – I really, really, really find it almost impossible to focus. My brain just jumps from one thing to another, and I don’t finish one thing before I’ve wandered off into something else. So at the end of the day – I spend days and even weeks accomplishing nothing… not intentionally, but because something’s really wrong with me. I used to be able to spend hours studying in school without a break – my brain could absorb for hours. And at Jacobsen, I could work for 12 hours straight without even taking a lunch break, and then go home because it was time, not because I was tired. Here, I find myself completely mentally exhausted every day… I watch the minutes tick by to 5pm, and it’s all I can do not to hit the door running.
I know that Ron expects more…. he expects what I promised him during the interview. I told him that I was stubborn, ambitious, and determined – that I would chip away at it until it was done, no matter how long it took. And I was telling the truth – that’s the work performance I gave Jacobsen, and I had every intention of giving that to S-D as well, and maybe more because they’re paying me more.
Yet, I’m not living up my promise…. I’ve never been further from it, to be exact. And I don’t know how to fix it. I have a meeting with him on Wednesday and he wants to go over my projects – I feel like he’s checking up on me, and I’m pretty sure I’m right. And the bad thing is that I deserve it. He’s RIGHT to be checking up on me… I’m floundering and I don’t know which way is up about 90% of the time. Part of me wants to just tell him everything – tell him that I know that I’m not performing to my full potential, and that I’ve acknowledged it and am taking steps to rectify it. But he’s not Paul…. I really believe that telling Ron that, just coming clean with him, would be professional suicide. He doesn’t want deprecating honesty and a true self-image… he wants us to be like him… blustering, full of hot air, and at least partially on top of everything at all times and refusal to admit any weaknesses. He wants to finish every meeting with his department with a pat on the back – not on our backs, but on his own back that he selected such “pit bulls” for his team.
In my salary review that he wants to go over with me on Friday, he actually changed my title to Strategic Procurement Assistant… yes, as in administrative assistant. And the fun thing is that I don’t feel like correcting him… part of me doesn’t feel like I’m doing enough to be considered a buyer, and also an assistant has a lower standard, so if I accept it, it’ll actually make this job less painful for me.
What is WRONG with me?… this is not me. This is not even a semblance of me…. I’m spunky and brave and sassy and very, very seldom wrong…. And the girl I am right now is just a mess – there’s nothing spunky or right about me.