A new year. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m starting to wonder if I need to see somebody. Or if I just need to crawl in a hole and pray for hours that God will get rid of the nastiness that I feel. I just feel upset. And angry. And sad. I took it out on Bobby last night. For the first time, I hit him – right across the face as hard as I could. I don’t know what’s wrong with me – I just felt an uncontrollable rage and I did it before I even thought. I hate my job. I hate being here. I hate these people. I hate cancer. I hate money and the sick feeling that I get when I think about it. I hate our apartment. I hate feeling like I have to go to Townville every night – that my life has been totally consumed by my family. I hate that I feel that way, that I don’t want to go to Townville every night. What is wrong with me?
I need to snap out of it. I need to just suck it up and quit feeling entitled and mistreated. That’s one of the worst traps that someone can fall into, and I’ve allowed myself to completely immerse myself in self-pity and pathetic-ness. Bobby’s right. I am pathetic. I have control over my attitude. I don’t have control over anything else, but my attitude is one of the few things that I actually have a say in. I have control over this job. I don’t like it, I don’t have to like it, but they’re paying me to do it, and I have an obligation to them. This job is something that I’m completely capable of controlling – all I have to do is just refocus, settle in, and start knocking things out one little task at a time. I need to stop obsessing about money. That’s all I’ve thought about since I balanced the checkbook Monday and realized that we’re now a one-income family. I make enough money for us to live on – what is the big f-ing deal? Even if Bobby doesn’t find a job immediately (and he really might not) we’re going to make it. Through January, through the Emmys, through all the birthdays, through the tax season, through Merrill’s wedding.
I’m just sitting and fixating on how unhappy I am with my current situation. And my current situation isn’t even that bad. I have a wonderful husband who loves me despite all I’ve done to make myself as unlovable as possible. I have a wonderful family who loves me and would do anything they can to help. I have a job that pays me more than a huge percentage of the people in this country make – although it’s not my dream job, I don’t even know what my dream job is, so I might as well just excel at this one. And I can be good at this job – it’s a stretch, but I’m fully capable of blowing this job out of the water. I have friends who love and support me – Marlena, Tim, Michele. They would do anything they can to make things easier for me – all I have to do is call and ask. I have beautiful possessions – our furniture and electronics and jewelry. If pretty, expensive things could make me happy, I should be the happiest girl in the world. I have a future that’s only going to get better – we’ll buy a house, have a baby, and be adults. I have a mother who’s not going to die in 18 months – God is healing her one lesion at a time, and if I’m not thankful for anything else, I should never forget to be thankful for that. And most of all, I have a God who loves me no matter what. He’s always there to pick up the pieces, always there to forgive no matter how many times I make the same stupid mistake. All I have to do is talk to him. How hard is that? Just TALK to him and everything will feel better. It does every time and yet I insist on trying to fix it myself… which is, always has been, and always will be a disaster.