Posts Tagged pregnancy

Part 1 of 3 – Business & Babies

December 8, 2009 at 12:12 pm · Filed under Uncategorized ·Tagged , , , , ,

**I found that I couldn’t combine all topics into one post. Thus the numbering system. Stay tuned.

Bobby is officially no longer a partner of his company. The contract has been signed, the buy-out check as been cashed, and the handshakes have been shook. The word “relief” doesn’t even begin to describe it. I am plumb damn giddy.

The change in him as been amazing, truly. He’s sleeping better. He’s not constantly obsessing about the same situations over and over. And over. He’s buzzing around like a little happy worker bee, cleaning house & doing laundry & cooking dinner, all with an earbud in his ear, trying to work a deal. It’s actually a bit comical — the domestic business Bobby.

The buy-out money pushed our “in the red” date back to March 15th. And because of this, I’M sleeping better. We’re still keeping the whiteboard out, though… the one with a big, red OH-SHIT date circled. Our health insurance is still lapsing as of next week, which is pretty scary to me. The “what if” monsters have lots to say about that — what if we have a wreck? what if we somehow end up in the emergency room with 1000’s of dollars in medical bills? what if I get pregnant & can’t afford the high-risk regimen & lose another baby because we’re uninsured?

And then I tell myself that yeah, all of that would really suck. So let’s worry about it if/when it happens.

Oh, and in case anyone’s keeping up with these things, the November cycle didn’t work. I’m very unpregnant. Still. And you know what? I don’t even care that much. We’ll try again in December. If it doesn’t work in December, though, I’ll probably care. My 32nd birthday is coming & my eggs are rotting.

Good god, I can’t believe I’m almost 32 and still haven’t managed to successfully birth a child. I’m know I’m not alone in bloggy-world, but in my real, everyday life, I feel like the Lone Effing Ranger.

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money (or lack thereof)

November 18, 2009 at 12:00 pm · Filed under Uncategorized ·Tagged , , ,

So I haven’t sold my laptop… yet.

Despite the impending doom of Dec 15th, I’m now feeling a lack of care. Well, maybe a lack of freak-out is more accurate. I mean, what are ya gonna do? It sucks, and we’re trying to fix it. Yes, I doubled my happy pills. Heh.

Bobby’s been driving all over the place meeting with people, calling contacts about job openings, and negotiating his exit from the company. There’s a fire under his little Bobby-butt. I like it. And I’ve been talking to my bosses as well — just trying to communicate, letting them know where things stand.

One thing has become apparent in the last few days — that there are people who want to help us. We didn’t ask… they offered. Not with money or charity (which we don’t want), but with suggestions, leads on jobs, & offering support. It’s a nice feeling.

This situation has forced me to really think about my little job. Basically, there are two trains of thought: there’s the financial train, which is to quit and find something that pays more & offers more hours, regardless of what it is. And there’s the non-financial train, which is staying at my little job despite the measly pay because I LIKE IT. I mean, really, how often do you find a job you like?! Not often. For now, I’m sticking with it… I feel a bit selfish putting anything before our finances, but I figure that through the demise of three start-up companies, I’ve earned it. At the risk of sounding like one of the two-year-olds in my class, it’s my turn. Damn it.

Have I thought about going back to manufacturing and/or purchasing? Yes. Does the mere thought make me want to vomit? Every single time I think about it.

We’re still hitting the red on Dec 15th… that hasn’t changed. And we may be losing our health insurance. But ya’ll know what? (Here’s that lack of care again)… As financially irresponsible as it is, we’re still going to try to for another pregnancy this month. It’s completely reckless and rash, but I’m just beyond the point of caring about all the rational, responsible, “adult” reasons that we should wait to have a baby. Screw the reasons.

I’ll bet the lack of health insurance will be the magic ingredient for a healthy pregnancy… the out-of-pocket status will do what nothing else could. And my capricious attitude may be temporary, but screw it. Life sucks ass sometimes. You gotta grab what you can.

And that’s my completely irresponsible and un-Sarah-like thoughts for today.  Ta-dah.

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One new niece, coming right up

October 26, 2009 at 6:20 pm · Filed under Uncategorized ·Tagged ,

Just talked to Jennifer… she was admitted this afternoon. Sadie should be arriving sometime tomorrow morning at 35 wks.

I feel like I’m on a runaway train that’s barreling through a pitch-black tunnel at 100 mph. With no headlight. Yeah. That about sums it up.

Holy freakin’ crap, people.

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on the baby front

October 26, 2009 at 1:10 pm · Filed under Uncategorized ·Tagged , , ,

As of last week, Bobby and I were officially cleared by RE#3 to try again. He wrote a prescription for progesterone suppositories starting 3 days post-ovulation, and instructed me to call the minute I get a positive pregnancy test so that the obsessive ultrasounds can begin.

He said that he’ll be as aggressive as we want him to be — if we want to start various fertility drugs, he’s game. We told him that we wanted to try sans drugs for at least one month, then if it doesn’t work, come back for Phase 2.

Honestly, I just didn’t feel like trying this month. The super-great ovulation monitor worked beautifully this month, giving me a little have-sex-NOW! egg on Day 17. But I didn’t. See, I have this fear. I’m afraid that I’ll get pregnant again, and miscarry again, and these unfortunate events will coincide with my new niece’s arrival. I need all my mental facilities available for the next few weeks (months?)… and in my considerable experience, BabyLosses have a way of making me really emotional and really mentally not ok psychotic.

Crazy, post-BabyLoss Sarah + sister giving birth = big effing disaster.

I suspect that I’m making up excuses on some level, because I’m just afraid. I feel, in a deep-down place that I try not to acknowledge, that I may never have a baby. I’m watching Jennifer during these last few weeks of a healthy pregnancy, and I can’t help thinking that perhaps I need to accept that it’ll never be me. And I need to figure out how to be ok with that.

Jennifer and I have been better in the last couple of weeks than we have in months. When she opened matching jewelry boxes for Sadie & Maggie, she cried… the twirling ballerina & strains of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” evoked memories of Mama’s jewelry box that we played with as little girls. And her heartfelt emotion & immediate understanding of why I chose that particular gift healed much of the hurt that has been just under the surface for both of us. I threw myself into every detail of the brunch… I wanted to show her that I love her, that I love her new little one, that I’m still Sarah down underneath the sadness of being a Lost Baby Mama.

So next month, Bobby & I will try again. And maybe it’ll work. And maybe I’ll be pregnant by my 32nd birthday. And maybe our baby make it. And maybe I’ll be a mother by my 33rd birthday. Maybe?

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Baby brunch, complete!

October 25, 2009 at 4:10 pm · Filed under Uncategorized ·Tagged ,

Hosted a baby brunch yesterday for Sadie, who’s arriving in only 12 days… Jennifer’s blood pressure is elevated, so they’re inducing 3 weeks early. So hard to believe that there’s going to be a new little girl here in just a few days…

My co-hostesses were both sickly… cousin Merrill was banned from coming by her doctor (which just plain sucked), and then Sue started running a fever Saturday morning & was quarantined in her room during the festivities. Apparently pregnant women & high fevers don’t geehaw.

But the brunch went really well, I think — we had quiche (spinach/feta and bacon/ham), bagels with assorted cream cheeses, apple coffee cake (made from scratch by Susie-Q Homemaker :)), cupcakes, fruit, and mimosas. Much to my surprise & amusement, the alcoholic mimosas with champagne were gone long before the non-alcoholic with ginger ale. You go, you cute little Southern lady imbibers!

oct16 062The living room  decorations. You may remember the pram purchase during Pregnancy #2… well, it went to live in the attic for a while, but reemerged this week as the perfect location for baby gifts.

oct16 063oct16 065

Dining room window. I’ve been dying to do the baby clothesline idea since I saw this post (which is pretty much the prettiest baby shower I’ve ever seen).

oct16 088oct16 089 copy

The food. You can probably tell that I’m a big fan of Martha Stewart’s pom-poms, yes? :) They’re just so fluffy, and you can do them in whatever color of tissue paper you have. And Princess Maggie, wearing one of the three princess dresses she got for her birthday… cracks me up!

oct24 003And finally, the invitations (which technically should have been first, I guess)… I’m a freak, so I handmade the invites & the envelopes. Found this great book full of creative ideas & even templates — fun stuff. You can’t really see it in the picture, but there’s a tiny silver baby-feet charm on the ribbon. I loved the pink felt stickers used to seal the envelopes — the sticker packs included birdies (pictured here) , bunnies, & flowers. So stinkin’ cute.

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still kicking

August 17, 2009 at 12:27 pm · Filed under Uncategorized ·Tagged , , ,

It’s been a long, damn week. Things still aren’t quite normal physically, and I feel absolutely drained. Like someone pulled the plug, and, oh look, there’s my energy & motivation in a big puddle on the floor. See it?… it’s right there. The cramping only lasted two days, but there’s been a general feeling of unwellness… dizzy, exhausted, headache, and now a peachy little respiratory infection.

It’s not hypochondria if it’s true, right?

We went to Virginia to visit Mama’s family this weekend… the trip was planned pre-miscarriage, and the cramping had stopped by Thursday evening, so off we went. Friday was a quiet, lovely day with just grandparents & cousin-I-like. Sue took some gorgeous pictures that really captured the essence of the entire day. It was easy to remember the many, many summers (every summer, actually) growing up… our week(s)-long trips to our grandparents’ tiny white clapboard house was the highlight of every summer vacation.

I told Grandma about miscarriage #3, and she cried and hugged me tight. And I cried, and it confirmed that the wounds that our relationship suffered during the months surrounding Mama’s death have indeed healed. For that, I am so thankful.

There was a downturn Friday night, when I found myself trapped in a conversation between my sister & grandmother about breast-feeding and sleepless nights and such. My sister’s healthily pregnant, and she needs to talk about these things. I understand this, I do. But I could feel the tears coming, and wanted nothing more than to leave the room and crawl in bed. I knew that if I left abruptly, it would be noticed and discussed, so I sat for a few moments, trying not to listen, then excused myself and slipped out.  [Polite Sarah, 1. Infertile bitch, 0.]

Saturday morning, I was ready to leave before my eyes even opened. I could hear talk of cousin-I-detest coming to visit, and I told Bobby that it would be just super if we could exit before her arrival. No such luck. Here she comes with her brood of redneck children, and, for the first time, I saw the baby who has my name. The poor little thing is as good-natured as she can be, but is as ugly as homemade sin… it’s not nice to say, but it’s god’s honest truth.  She is the spitting image of my cousin’s husband, a look that does not translate well to a female. And cousin-I-detest has let her hair grow into a mullet-esque rat-tail that hangs half-way down her back. Bless her heart. Her mama’s butt needs to be kicked.

I know that some of ya’ll are out there thinking I’m a heartless wench. And for the record, I don’t much care. Judge away, judgy-pants. My blog, my hateful opinion. Pbbbbffftttt. [Polite Sarah, 1. Infertile bitch, 1.]

Ok, now that I’ve had that 5-yr-old moment, what was I saying? Oh yes, the weekend. Came home Saturday. Skipped church yesterday, which I regretted the entire remainder of the day. I used my respiratory disgustingness as an excuse.  I always think bad thoughts about people who are hacking up a lung and sneezing all over the place — I wonder why they didn’t just keep themselves and their germs at home. Didn’t want to be one of those people… and if I’m completely honest, didn’t want to go anywhere that I had to smile and be nice. I know that must be hard to believe since I’m such a bright ray of sunshine.  [And infertile bitch takes the lead.]

So here we are. One week since BabyLoss, Take 3, and still kicking. This one really, REALLY wasn’t anything compared to Take 1 and Take 2. There’s been some hormone-related snarkiness, but minimal tears and emotional devastation.

RE appt is two weeks from today. Am looking forward to getting this show back on the road.

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Miscarriage #3

August 11, 2009 at 8:02 pm · Filed under Uncategorized ·Tagged , ,

Recurrent miscarriage, or habitual pregnancy loss, is defined as three or more consecutive, spontaneous pregnancy losses.

I am now experiencing my third miscarriage. I didn’t even know I was pregnant this time until it was already obvious that it was over. I guess it’s better this way… didn’t have to waste any energy on hope.

I knew something weird was going on, but I couldn’t figure it out. You would think that with an infanticidal uterus such as mine, I would immediately assume. But I didn’t. I guess I was so focused on the CBE monitor and doing my ovulation pee sticks just right that I forgot to get all fixated on pregnancy pee sticks.

At least it happened before the RE visit. Now maybe they’ll take me more seriously.

Light bulb just came on. This explains why I never ovulated last month. Fuck.

I can’t help thinking that there’s something I could have done — I could have kept taking the progesterone. Or I could have not guzzled beer and coffee after I called defeat. Or I could have used expensive pregnancy tests instead of cheapo internet ones… what if my cheap tests were defective, and a drugstore hpt would have shown a positive?! What if. And then I find myself defending me against me… but I didn’t know! But I tested two cycles ago, and never got a positive! But I was trying to save money on hpts by buying cheaper ones! But, but, but.

So number three. I am now officially a recurrent miscarrier. Woo-fucking-hoo.

**Aug 12th edit: Went this morning and bought a real pregnancy test. I’m very much pregnant. And very much miscarrying. The internet tests are now in the garbage. I feel numb.

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scrambled or fried?

July 28, 2009 at 9:55 am · Filed under Uncategorized ·Tagged ,

Topic of the day? Eggs. Ya’ll, can I just say that getting knocked up is no easy feat. I know that comes as a huge surprise to everyone reading [insert sarcastic snort here].

I’ve been using the CBE fertility monitor this month for the first time. It is now Day 20, and I STILL haven’t ovulated. What the hell. All I want is a happy little cartoon egg, monitor, work with me here.  My (theoretical) egg, on the other hand, looks more like this:

restless-egg-syndrome

I’ve read the monitor instruction manual from cover to cover, and the lack of cartoon egg could mean two things:

  1. User Error… I screwed up one or more pee sticks, or
  2. I didn’t ovulate this month. Damn it.

I find myself thinking that it’s #1… what if I peed on the stick for more than 3 seconds? Or less than 3 seconds? Or what if I didn’t hold the stick in the downward position? Argh. Maybe the magical monitor is just collecting my data, and next month will be dead-on accurate.  Or maybe it’s accurate this month, and I didn’t screw any tests up, and I just didn’t ovulate.

Bobby and I had decided a while back that if he hadn’t managed to impregnate me by August, we would to back to the RE. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t much care for the RE that we saw last year. He was very clinical and impersonal, a fact that I’ve tried to get over. But should I have to get over it? Shouldn’t I LIKE my RE, especially since we’re going to be paying for every minute out-of-pocket? I know this is nit-picky, but during our initial appt, I had brought a chart of cycle data that I’ve been collecting over the last year. I handed it to him as a visual aid as I was talking, and he gave it the barest glance, and handed it back to me. Dude, it would take like 2.5 seconds for you to humor me and at least ACT like you give a damn about what I’m saying during the 40 minutes you’re bestowing upon me for the bargain price of $250.

Yesterday, I got online, and found that someone else had rated him a 2 out of 5 for bedside manner. So it’s not just me — there are at least two of us out there who aren’t fans. So I looked up another guy… same practice, different doc. He had a couple of high reviews, with a comment stating that he was willing to answer questions & wasn’t condescending. I called to make an appt, and asked that we be put on Dr OtherRE’s calendar. The little appt-maker girl asked me why, and I didn’t know what to say…. just mumbled something about online reviews.

Our appt is Mon, Aug 30th, which seems like a really long time from now. Maybe I should call back and push for an earlier time. Or maybe I should just chill out and continue bonding with my (Marlena’s) fertility monitor until Aug 30th. I think that’s one of the most aggravating things about this whole infertility thing… you have to wait for everything. Wait to ovulate. Wait to test. Wait to start another cycle. Wait for dr appts. Wait for a heartbeat. Wait for the end of the first trimester. Blahblahblahblah. And meanwhile, the calendar’s slipping away, and the biological clock is pounding in my ears.

*Image from Souvenirs & Scars

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a resounding negative

July 8, 2009 at 7:47 am · Filed under Uncategorized ·Tagged , , ,

Yep, folks, the 2ww is officially over. Just waiting on Day 1. Confession: I unofficially called this one over the weekend… quit doing the progesterone supps a few days ago so that the beginning of this next cycle wouldn’t be delayed. I vaguely remember what being pregnant feels like, and this ain’t it.

I think I did my grieving for this cycle on Saturday, because right now, I feel very matter-of-fact about the whole thing. My first box of test strips for the CBE ovulation monitor arrived yesterday, so I’m armed and ready to piss the month away*. Bobby requested that I post an “action plan” calendar on our bathroom mirror with the fertile phase clearly marked… he’s blazing into this next month with the focus and sheer determination of a battalion general.

* “Tubthumping” has been on a loop in my head this morning…  “I get knocked down, but I get up again. You’re never gonna keep me down”…  Appropriate infertility theme song, no?

During my meltdown Saturday, I was talking (crying) about “my” fertility problems and “my” inability to have a baby. Bobby stopped me mid-weep and told me that I’m no longer allowed to say “I” and “my” when it comes to our fertility and quest for a baby. That it’s “us” and “we,” and we’re in this together regardless of how personally responsible I feel about the miscarriages.

That’s my husband. He’s a freakin’ gem.

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broken

July 4, 2009 at 9:51 am · Filed under Uncategorized ·Tagged , ,

Dreamed I was with my family — sisters, father, even a cousin or two — and yet I was so alone in my overwhelming sadness, loss, and despair. Got up & wept in the shower, crying for the hopelessness I’m beginning to feel, another 2ww failed, and the sheer heartbreak of wanting a baby so badly. Sometimes I’m able to hang onto that tactical part of myself, planning for the next step with little emotion. But the tactician was stripped from me this morning, as I cried for the overwhelming sadness of feeling broken as a woman & wife.

Broken.  Reduced to fragments.  Torn.  Not functioning properly.  Sarah.

My thoughts kept straying to my pregnant sister. They find out the gender this week. But I tried mightily not to let my sadness for myself bleed into bitterness toward her. I have to separate the two — it’s not her fault that I’m broken, it’s not her fault that things are so fucking easy for her. Yes, I wish that she seemed more joyous, more thrilled with her lot in life, more appreciative of what’s fallen so easily into her lap. But all that doesn’t matter. She’s not connected to my fertility at all. At all. I’m using anger as a crutch. I have to guard myself against giving into the “why me’s”… there’s simply nothing good that can come of jealousy. I hate that word, I hate that it applies to me, I hate that I’ve given in.

It’s Day 24, but there are no telltale symptoms, no pregnancy-related feeling whatsoever. I’m continuing progesterone until Day 28, but I have very little hope for this cycle. I’m wondering what’s next. The plan was to try for three cycles with progesterone — there was an assumption that I would be able to GET pregnant, just not STAY pregnant without the prog supps. But I don’t know if I want to do another cycle as is. I feel reactive, like I’m just sitting and waiting for things to happen, instead of proactively working toward our future. I’m not sure I liked the RE that we saw before, but I’m also not sure that one meeting is sufficient to judge. So perhaps it’s time to make an appt.

I’m just so fucking sick of this.

Gotta shake it off. Today’s a good day. It’s the 4th of July, for gods sake. We’re having a cookout this evening to celebrate the 4th and our dear friend David’s birthday.  So I’m off… to clean the house, to make hamburger patties, to frost a birthday cake. To put all this crap away for a while and just enjoy the company of friends, and the beautiful SC weather, and the wonderfulness of living in the US of A.

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