a separate identity

There are many stupid things that people have said (and continue to say) to me after Mama died… things like “everything happens for a reason,” “God never gives us more than we can handle” (for a full-fledged rant on this one, click here), and “Now your mama is your guardian angel.” There’s one in particular, [...]

Read Full Post »

coping

Relieved to say I have the two-year anniversary behind me. The day itself was spent just being sad — looking through my Mama box, acknowledging the loss. I haven’t done that in a while… I’ve gotten really good at slamming the door on thoughts that are too painful. But Thursday, I let them in. Cried [...]

Read Full Post »

September 17th

I sit here surrounded by the contents of my “Mama Box” — a beautiful box that I’ve stuffed anything death- or cancer-related. I’ve never gone through the box… today is the first time. I’ve only opened it just wide enough to slide a new memento in.
There are sympathy cards that I read for the first [...]

Read Full Post »

Two years ago today

Before September 17, 2007:

After September 17, 2007:

Sometimes it seems like more than I can bear.

Read Full Post »

i hate september

Does anyone else ever look around and think “Is this really my life? How did I get here?” I don’t really mean that in a negative way… just more of a pondering sort of way. I feel surprised sometimes — even though I know I’ve been here the whole time, it occasionally often feels like [...]

Read Full Post »

control-freak? who, me?

Please pardon me while I spaz. It’s not pretty, but it’s either this or lie wide-awake next to a snoring Bobby for another hour, and that, I just can’t take.
After last night’s conversation, I was awake until 6am. That’s just plain ridiculous, especially for a girl who can sleep through most anything. I’ve found that [...]

Read Full Post »

grief trigger

This past Sunday, one of Susanna’s high school friends was killed in an accident. He was 21, the oldest of three boys, a student at Clemson. This week has been rough. Hello, understatement. She and I talked about the loss Sunday before going to bed, where the nightmares ensued. I dreamed that Mama was alive [...]

Read Full Post »

“touched by something extra”

The horror of yesterday is fading, thankfully. Once I picked myself up off the floor of Mama’s room, the remainder of the day was a fog… too drained to feel much of anything. Stopped at the grocery store on the way home and bought beer and frosted sugar cookies — yes, that’s what we called [...]

Read Full Post »

so, so hard

Here I sit in the floor of Mama’s room, surrounded by boxes of her neatly folded clothing. I started with the closet… pulled each item out, laid it on the bed and took a picture so I’ll remember. Sort them according to dressy clothes, teacher clothes, and casual clothes, folded them all, and stacked them [...]

Read Full Post »

A lovely lady named Sue

Last week, I was completely distraught about packing up my mother’s clothing and personal belongings. Bree, who has lost a parent as well as her baby daughter Ella, left a very thoughtful comment about how she had a quilt made from her father’s shirts.  The idea immediately appealed to me — makes the task seem [...]

Read Full Post »