Tags
Coincidentally enough, these two words have popped up in two separate conversations in the last couple of weeks. And I’ve been thinking… which one is best? Which one applies to me? How do I feel about being on the receiving end of one versus the other?
First, let me recount the instances.
Example #1 was overheard at a large, well-known church in my area. Here it is:
Question: So do you respect other belief systems?
Reply: No, we tolerate them.
Example #2 was posted on a private message board last week, a board that only includes kids I grew up with in TheChurch. And here it is:
The tone I wish to convey is one of respect, not necessarily tolerance. I will not pretend that everyone has made the best choices, but I do recognize that each one of you has your own story, your own struggles and your need to be respected as a human being.
Interesting, isn’t it, that this verbal dichotomy was presented from two opposing (completely unrelated) perspectives just in the course of the last two weeks.
Now I must be honest. My initial reaction to both of these statements was identical… that is, I found them equally offensive. The actual words used were opposite — one claimed “tolerance, not respect” while the other claimed “respect, not tolerance.” However, the tone & implication feels the same to me. A lack of acceptance with a dash of judgment seems to be present in both statements.
So my inner almost-English major felt compelled to study the actual meanings of these words:
re·spect –verb To hold in esteem or honor; to show regard or consideration for; to refrain from intruding upon or interfering with
tol·er·ate –verb To allow the existence, presence, practice, or act of without prohibition or hindrance; permit; to endure without repugnance; put up with
I’m reading these definitions, and I’m thinking that “respect” appears to be the clear choice. I would rather my views and beliefs be respected by others, rather than tolerated. You can have tolerance without respect (as is evidenced in Example #1)… but can you have respect without tolerance (Example #2)? I suppose that the writer of Ex. #2 could “refrain from interfering with” the choices that others have made, but not without repugnance.
It’s disturbing to me, I guess. I want to respect others. I want to be tolerant of others. But I don’t want to patronize or have an attitude of “permission” toward others. What right do I have to give others permission to believe as they wish? None at all. I want to be able to recognize differences without adopting an “us versus them” mentality. I grew up in an environment that was ruled by this mentality, and it’s incredibly polarizing, lonely, & even frightening to realize as a child that your friends & classmates are the “them” that you hear about at church.
This entire thought feels very incomplete. I’m just rambling. Not sure I’ve made a point, or if I even had one in the first place…
Cindy C. said:
Interesting post. Is it permission in the sense of telling someone else you give them permission? Or is it just, in my own mind, I give that permission? I guess I wouldn’t find that offensive.
hedwig said:
Well that definition of tolerance is what “religious tolerance” means. Anybody who is serious about his or her belief system has made a choice and decided against some other system. In some cases the objections can be greater than others, but as long as they’re not barring the door to your house of worship, they’re tolerating your belief.
I think its possible to respect the seriousness with which someone has approached a decision (and to tolerate the decision) without agreeing that the decision was the best one.
It might also be possible to respect a decision without tolerating it. Say for instance, that I could respect a woman’s decision to wear a veil that covers her face. In that she would have to remove the veil for an ID photo, I as a member of society wouldn’t be tolerating her practice, while not necessarily disrespecting it.
I think you can do either one (and not both) and still have a choice about being charitable or nasty about it.
littlebluebirdsfly said:
I always walk away from your posts with so much to think on :)
I agree with you – I think you can tolerate without respecting, but not necessarily the other way around. I think the person in your example quite possibly mixed the words up.
HeatherW said:
Not sure which one to use sometimes, I’ll be honest. One sounds, like you said, permissive, while the other often sounds more like, “Oh, I’ll just put up w/ it and judge it silently.” I don’t necessarily want to be either. Some things are fairly clear, like I would not respect nor tolerate drug use in my house/marriage, etc. I would respect, rather than just tolerate, the worship ceremony of a Buddhist were I to ever be privy to that sort of thing. I think most people- and I include faiths in this too- are also confused. Perhaps people believe that “respect” and “agree” are synonymous, when in fact you are simply being considerate and, to a degree, polite.
Anonymous said:
Thank you Sarah — i’m grateful for living at a time when we can demonstrate respect for one another