* Disclaimer: The following paragraphs are not meant to offend, disrespect, or inflame in any way. So if you find yourself feeling offended, disrespected, or inflamed, I really am sorry. No, really.
Life’s gracefulness lost on overstimulated, overtired children
By Ronald Dahl
Each summer, no matter how pressing my work schedule, I take off a day exclusively for my son, to follow his whims (as completely as possible) from the moment he wakes up until he finally gives in to exhaustion. We call it dad / son day.
This year our third stop was the amusement park, where he discovered (at age 9) that he was tall enough to ride one of the fastest roller coasters in the world. We blasted through face stretching turns and loops for 90 seconds then, as we stepped off the ride, he gave a shrug, and in a distressingly calm voice, remarked that it was not as exciting as other rides he had been on.
As I listened, I began to sense something seriously out of balance. Throughout the season, I noticed similar events all around me. Parents seemed hard pressed to find new thrills for nonchalant kids. I saw this pattern in my family, in the sons and daughters of friends and neighbors and in many of my patients with behavioral and emotional problems. Surrounded by ever-greater stimulation, their young faces were looking disappointed and bored. (Click here for full article.)
When I think about the social aspect of my childhood, I have warm, comforting memories that are, of course, all centered around my mother. When I got off the school bus at our little brick ranch house with the black shutters, there was a different smell wafting from the kitchen every day. Mama cooked dinner while I sat on the kitchen stool and regaled her of stories about my day. I sat the table and fixed the drinks, and then the family sat around the kitchen table nearly every evening and ate supper together. Now this wasn’t as idyllic as it sounds — Daddy and I rarely made it through a meal without an altercation. But my father aside, the point is that we ate together regularly. We didn’t have a television in the house, so reading before bedtime was our favorite entertainment. On Friday nights and Saturday mornings, we listened to radio programs… “Adventures in Odyssey” and “Ranger Bill” were my favorites. I can actually still hear the introduction, word for word:
Ranger Bill, warrior of the woodland! Struggling against extreme odds, traveling dangerous trails, fighting the many enemies of nature. This is the job of the guardian of the forest, Ranger Bill. Pouring rain, freezing cold, blistering heat, snows, floods, bears, rattlesnakes, mountain lions. All this in exchange for the satisfaction and pride of a job well-done.
I just checked my memory against the “Ranger Bill Fan Club” website, and I only missed one word. Ridiculous that I can still remember that… Mama used to say that my brain was a toxic waste dump.
Anyway, the whole point of the this conversation is that when I think about my childhood, it’s remarkably similar to how the 1950’s are portrayed in the movies. It’s like the 1980’s never happened at our house. When we hit high school and the teenage years, we suddenly discovered the 90’s (much to our father’s dismay). But the 80’s?… just a blur spent in our little bubble.
So how does this translate into today’s culture? Show me a kid today who would be thrilled about listening to the adventures of Ranger Bill on the radio…. yep, that’s right, you can’t. And I wonder if it’s even realistic to consider raising a child without a television these days? You can limit TV time, but can you function “normally” without it? How do you raise a child to fit in with their friends and be “cool,” yet still maintain some semblance of traditional family interaction?
These questions are more rhetorical than anything… I know that each family dynamic is different, and we’ll find our balance when the time comes. But all this thinking about committing to a church has my wheels spinning. How will this work for my children? How old will they be when they realize that their traditional church experience isn’t the only one out there? Will they feel deprived that their friends get to go to the “cool” church with the cool music and cool preacher and cool lights & video, and they have to go to old boring church? Or will the pendulum swing back eventually toward a more traditional form of worship?
Bobby and I got to our meeting early last night, and watched the stream of Wednesday night churchgoers file out of the fellowship hall. There were tons of seemingly happy families, with kids ranging from very young to about 15 or so. Do those families have fights on Sunday morning about whether to go to “boring-church” or “cool-church”? Is cool-church serving a great purpose in that it’s reaching our young people? Or is cool-church overstimulating them to the point of total spiritual insensitivity? Will they get to the point where they NEED that stimulation to get their attention? What if it gets to the point where quiet reflection is no longer an option? Won’t their classrooms then be in the same “boring” category as boring-church? Could this be a contributor to what seems to be a sudden increase in ADD, hyperactivity, and other behavior-related diagnoses? I know that’s a huge claim, which is why I’m not “claiming” it… I’m simply thinking aloud.
I’ve heard many people say that they’re choosing a church based on their kids — “they have the best children’s programs,” or “it got my kid excited about church,” or “I wouldn’t go here if it wasn’t for my kids.” Maybe I just don’t get it because I’m not a mom yet. But the fact is…. I just don’t get it. Where is the line between parents guiding children and children guiding parents?
Once, when I was 11 or so and Jennifer was 7ish, we spent some time at our “proper” grandmother’s house. My dad’s mom was/still is a little bit intimidating. She’s a retired English teacher, and has never relaxed her grammatical expectations. She’s very proper and refined, doesn’t approve of gum-chewing, and wears big pearls. She is the epitome of a Southern lady. On this particular afternoon, she was keeping us for a few hours. After an hour or so, Jennifer planted herself in the spinning, rocking armchair in the den. Using her feet to push off the floor, she began spinning faster and faster until she just became a blur, while chanting “I’m booooooooorrreddddd! I’m boooooooooorrreddd!” at the top of her lungs. Grandmama told her stop spinning and informed her firmly that in her house, “bored” was a bad word and she wasn’t to use it again. Years later, Jennifer and I still laugh about “bored” being a bad word. But it’s not until recently that I began to understand where Grandmama was coming from.
Brad said
Sometimes we have to take the TV and PS3 and twitter devices away from the kids and teach them the delightful art of curiosity in the mundane. I hope the latest generation doesn’t become known as Generation XXL or Generation ADHD.
http://www.amazon.com/Generation-XL-Intelligent-High-Tech-Junk-Food/dp/0785221867
http://www.fourhourworkweek.com/blog/2008/05/25/the-multitasking-virus-and-the-end-of-learning-part-1/
Think it ties into all aspects of life, not just worship. There’s a place for the techno-glitzy, but not to the point of mind-addling distraction.
Churches, to remain attractive, often feel forced to adopt the techno-glitzy to “Compete” in the globalized marketplace of ideas, but what I really think people crave is authenticity and exploration (as you alluded to earlier), not indoctrination, whether it be techno-euphoric indoctrination or the more traditional catechisms of yore.
Jamie said
I’m like you in the fact that my family sat down every night and had dinner together. No television on in the background. My husband was a little different…his family would have the news in the background catching up on the days events. I’m pretty strict when I comes to my little one watching tv. We normally don’t even turn it on untill he’s in bed…..then we’ll watch a show or two and then the news.
As for the “fun” churches…..we are still “old school” as far as that’s concerned. We’re not a member of a mega church. I’ve always been a member of Southern Baptist affiliated church until recently…..still Baptist but not quite as traditional and “rule” following as the Southern Baptist. I have to say that we didnt’ choose a church soley based on my child but it did play a part. We wanted him a have a good kids’ program as well as a fair number of kids that actually attended. …..not 10 or 15 kids. That’s just our personal preference.
My child is not yet two years old…..my husband and I were having the conversation that we are not his friends and will not ever be….no until his 40 or so :). We are his parents and our job is to raise and guide him to be a loving, caring, Christian adult with good morals who can take care of himself. Easier said than done but it’s our goal!!
I love reading your posts. You have the most insightful, though provoking thoughts.
wbr1980 said
Whitney’s thoughts:
1. Churches can be “cool” and “reflective”. We go to a church that I’d say has a pretty cool vibe, contemporary music, etc… BUT, we also have times of absolute silence during the service to listen to God. I think the problem is not whether to choose one OR the other, but to find a place that fits you… and allows you to not just hear the preacher, but to hear God without anyone else talking.
2. Really, the most important part of your spiritual journey is not about the type of church you go to, it’s about relationships. Relationship to God. Relationship to fellow believers (which comes through church). Relationships with friends/coworkers/family/people at Starbucks… whatever. The thing to remember is that if your relationship with God is messed up, the rest of them will be too. That one has to come first.
3. Don’t worry about what your kids will think about your church. The “type” or “style” of service is not the point of church. AND, there will be battles, just ’cause there will be. They may not be about the type of church, but about what they have to wear to church. It may not be about the music, but about the fact that they wish they could go on Saturday night instead like some of their friends. Or, something totally different. Kids will argue just to argue.
If you make it a big deal, it will become one… that’s my mantra most days!
4. T.V. I agree. Too much. On the other hand, I do cherish the 30 minutes of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse from 8-8:30 every morning! And, some days, when I either feel like junk, or it’s just a badbad day, there is a movie thrown in. But, over all, I agree that there’s too much stimulation in the world for kids. We try to limit the amount of “computerized noise maker” type toys in our house. They play with blocks, the play kitchen, cars, Little People houses, etc… Not so much a fan of noise makers.
FYI: no TV can be done. My sister & BIL don’t have one. And they have 1 biological child, one biological child on the way, 1 adopted child, 1 child about to be adopted, and 1 child they’re fostering and hoping to adopt in the future. All under the age of 3. So, it can be done.
This is a stinkin’ long comment. Sorry! You still need to call me! :)
Melba said
As a future teacher and mother I worry about this over-stimulation thing a lot. I think you see it a great deal in kids’ birthday parties these days. No one is happy with a simple family meal and balloons, or with having a few friends over to play. Now we have to have these huge, elaborate birthday parties with hired cartoon characters and 20 or 30 friends. Sometimes I long for simplicity.
Teachers have a tough job too, competing with today’s multimedia in order to grab kid’s attention and hold it. Not to mention the “standards” that must be taught to every child…sometimes it seems like an almost impossible task, given the circumstances.
I am also very thankful my family made a point of sitting down to dinner throughout my childhood. I think that is so important, and so neglected in today’s hectic world. I absolutely will make a point of doing this with my children.
There has to be a way for us to have the best of both worlds. The new technology and information along with some down time and an appreciation for simplicity and calm. *if only!*
Melba
Dawn said
Great post Sarah! I think this is a topic that all parents REALLY need to think about! Thanks for the enlightenment!
carey said
this reminds me of a great book read on NPR a few years ago called The Big Turnoff… about raising kids without tv/overstimulating technology– out of philosophical choice rather than religious rule. i think the anderson library system has it…
there is definitely a backlash in the natural family living community against our current cultural climate for children(waldorf/montessori educators, environmentally conscious folks, etc.), and it is (i hope) cool in the subculture sort of way. ;)
mothering.com (or the magazine)
thegreenhour.org and lots more.
i know families who now *by choice* have no televisions (and listen to NPR or WNCW, etc or read, sew, knit, etc.) and manage for it to not feel oppressive… which is quite the trick.
i so appreciate your honesty, emotion, intensity in writing. i hope you’ll forgive my voyeurism and not think me *too* nosy/crazy.
Anonymous said
Dude, I call those “cool churches” diet church. I always thought we were called to go OUT, not build a gigantic chruch that is so cool and inviting that people are drawn to its awesomeness…ugh…
Heather said
I was forced to go to church for years and hated it, because my mom would just drop us off and then leave. Then, we started going to a church together (except for Dad, he’s not much into “organized religion”. Well, ok. He’s not much into Baptists. Whatev.), and I grew up with other kids in the youth group. We had nothing like the type of youth programs a lot of churches have these days-including my own today- and I still really enjoyed it. I agree with Whitney- it’s about the people & the relationships. It’s about being part of a fellowship of like believers, a sort of “we’re all in this together” mentality. It’s about knowing that if you needed something, 20 people would be at your house in the middle of the night if needed- because of those relationships.
I’m above the point of being “entertained” at church. I’m not there to be “entertained”, I’m there because I want to learn more about my Father, to grow & mature in my walk, and to set aside time one day a week in order to spend it with other believers who want to worship God. Lights, videos, computer generated blahblah – it’s all fluff. Don’t get me wrong- it’s has its purpose & setting & time, and I’m certainly not saying that it’s wrong or excessive or anything like that. But for me, I prefer mine a little less flashier than that. I love my pastor, mainly because he is Biblically sound in his preaching. He’s not afraid to say “Folks, if you don’t like what I’ve just said, you need to read the Bible & see if it says anything different than what I’m telling you now. I’m not here to say what you want to hear. I’m here to say what you need to hear.” If you are getting “fed” at this church, if you are feeling a pull to belong, a pull to find that relationship with God that’s undeveloped/ underdeveloped – maybe this is where you need to be. Going to church is not required, but fellowship with believers is part of what Christians are asked to do – and it’s for OUR benefit as much as it is to honor God.
I hope I haven’t rambled or sounded “preachy”, but I honestly believe in the power of fellowship & membership in the place that God would have you be. I pray that He makes His plan more & more clear to you each day. Church wasn’t meant to be boring or a chore; it was meant to provide a place where burdens could be shared, joys could be doubled, and all could come to their Father together as a family. I hope you find that family.
BB said
yes yes yes! I totally agree with the overstim. I grew up playing outside. I dream of simplifying, selling all our worldly “big city” possesions and moving back to a small town!
Anonymous said
I agree with a lot of what you are saying. However, I’m wondering if the deacon asleep at the regular church is getting fed? Somehow, I think there needs to be a happy medium.
Tom Haren said
There is one word missing from the entire post and every comment…Jesus.
It’s His Bride, shouldn’t that be a consideration? Our American culture is so skewed. We’ve diminished the church into something that is supposed to meet our needs, make our children happy…us, us, us. When did it become about us and not Him? He is the one who died for us…not the other way around. Church is not Burger King, where you can have it your way. Church, is Christ’s Bride, and where you go should be completely driven by the Holy Spirit’s leading, not what “meets your needs”.
There are 168 hours in the week, and at most your kids will be at church 2. Don’t blame the church if your kid turns out to be a hellion, the responsibility to raise a godly child lays on the parent, not the church.
Too often we view our opinions based on our complacency, or better yet, comfort. The only problem with that is that the cross was not comfortable. When church shopping, we ask questions like “what can this church do for me” or “does this fit into our schedule” instead of “how can I give the church my very best in my time, talents and treasures.” God gave His very best for us and the question should be “where can we get involved that most glorifies Him”.
Confession, i have been going and a member of a mega-church for 7 years now and been on staff there for 3 of those (believe it or not, we are actually Southern Baptist affiliated, who referred to above is ultra traditional). Last weekend, Easter, we saw 15,473 people come to our 4 campuses. 322 people accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior! I am not boasting in us as a church, but the Lord’s work through our church. This was a movement of God, not man. Most people only look from the outside and say “they’re just trying to attract people”, “it’s just a show” or even “I bet a lot of those were just emotional decisions based on just a feeling, and not real”. The cool thing is that I get to witness changed lives. Addictions broken, marriages restored, people giving their time to volunteer every week, people giving their treasures so that we can build facilities where children and youth will accept Christ, start a dynamic relationship with Him and then go out into their public schools and make a difference. This is the church for our family. Everyone is different and should go where led, but don’t judge a church different from yours. Again, go where God tells you and your family to go and cheer on your other local churches who are teaching Jesus and the Bible.
Yes, our church has lights. Yes, our church played ACDC’s “Highway to Hell” at the Easter services, yes our Pastor has more than a little energy, but what’s wrong with that? Disneyland has lots of lights, MTV is spending tons of $ and playing music to reach us and our kids and we call that “awesome”. Why is it wrong when the church steps up its excellence to reach a lost generation? We’ll win when we realize that we’re all rooting for the same team, BIG C church (the church everywhere). We should rejoice, not criticize, when people step over the line of faith and cross over from death to life.
I hope this doesn’t sound rebuking or condescending. It is just my take, like everyone else is entitled to, about something I am more than a little passionate about…