I’m not sure how to go about this… My head feels fuzzy and I’m disjointed in my thoughts and as a result, my actions. I know that I have to be ready for my first performance a week from tomorrow – and even though I have a slight clue about where to start, I don’t want to. All I can think about is what I need to do outside of here – the bills and the apartment and the horrific state of my kitchen. And how I need to call my real estate agent because maybe on some level, harassing the living crap out of her will make someone fall in love with the townhouse, and take at least one of the weights from around our necks.
I’m not ok with this. I’m surviving, but everything feels jumbled and just bad. I hate being in limbo – I feel like I’m handling it fairly well – there’s been only a few minor freak-outs and no really major breakdowns – but sometimes I feel very edgy. Like only one more little thing is going to finish me off. This weekend was truly exhausting. I keep telling myself to look at it just a little at a time… Daddy’s little elephant saying keeps chanting in my head like a mantra – how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. My thoughts go/should go something like this:
WHY THIS IS A GOOD THING
The past few/next few weeks/months are only a tiny blip in the big picture of our lives – we’ll look back at this and laugh at that grotesque kitchen floor and how much dual-living sucked. It will be insignificant and even humorous in the long run.
One day, I’ll feel as comfortable coming in to this job with these people every day as I did at Jacobsen – after all, it took me two years to get to that place at Jake.
I’m fully capable of meeting and, in some instances, exceeding Ron’s expectations. Although I talked myself up in the interview, I didn’t lie – which means that I did that, so I can do this.
It’s a good thing that leaving Charlotte is sad – it would be much, much sadder if I lived in Charlotte for 3 years and nobody even cared when I moved away or if after 3 years, not one person missed me. Or if there was nobody that I had gotten close enough to miss. That would mean that on some level, the three years that we spent in Charlotte were wasted – and that would be far more painful and truly sad than leaving a group of people who I grew to love and who grew to love me. What I’m feeling is a good sad… a sad that indicates growth and personal development.
Bobby and I are being true to ourselves – we’re doing what’s best for us as individuals and as a couple in both the short-term and long-term. This is something that we both knew was in our future…. And we waited until the right time, and made a smart decision. Although it doesn’t feel that great right now, unpleasantness is usually the nature of the growing process…. And here’s a thought – growing means you’re not standing still or going backward – so even though it feels uncomfortable, it’s actually a positive thing.
And I was thinking…
I need to see this as a timeline rather than a huge, overwhelming mess –
Aug 25th – I find a job down here. It’s where we need to be, it pays more than Jake, and it’s a promotion. It was clearly the right decision, one that Bobby and I never question.
Sept 8th – We find an apartment for a fraction of the price of the average two-bedroom. It’s so, SO not pretty, but it works… the price is right, so we sign the lease.
Sept 11th – I start my new job. It’s truly horrible being the new kid – new people, new manager, new system, new responsibilities… I feel like I’m in over my head, but I survive the first day, then the first week, and now the first two weeks.
Sept 20th – Bobby’s last day at WCNC. It’s scary that he quit his job before having another one, but it’s the right decision… we’re just not good at living apart, and that’s a skill that I don’t particularly want to develop.
Sept 21st – We move the essentials down to the apartment. It’s not pretty or organized and it drives me batty, but at least it’s functional. We bring down the washer, dryer, plates, cups, pots, pans, silverware, food, linens, shower caddy, and the contents of the office. I still feel very disjointed and in limbo, but I understand that now I can live independent of restaurants, Jen & Tom, and my mother – whereas before I couldn’t. And my computer is now in the same place as me – there’s a lot to be said for that.
Sept 25th – Bobby goes back to Charlotte to continue at WCNC in a contract position. We both feel that this is very temporary and not something that we want to do long-term… it feels like we’re trying to prolong the Charlotte connection. But it’s part of the transition, and it’s bringing in some money, so we buckle down and move on…
Next…
Bobby and I settle into some kind of routine. I’ll drive my entire “To Do” list to completion while “getting my arms around” the projects at work.
I’ll lead my first meeting here at S-D and know what I’m talking about. I’ll show Ron that he did make the right decision when he hired me.
Bobby will cut off WCNC completely. We will depend financially on weddings and free-lance work while he begins the job search full-time. He’ll find a job paying at least close to what he makes now doing something that he can tolerate for at least a few years. I don’t know what it’ll be, but I do know that God wouldn’t bring us down here and then not give Bobby a job.
Our townhouse will sell to some nice person who will love it. We’ll be able to move the rest of our furniture down to the apartment and will finally be able to close the Charlotte chapter.
We will settle into our new place, our new jobs, our new home – save money, pay off the credit cards, adjust to living on a cash-only system. Welcome Emma Claire into our lives and get ready for when we’ll have our own baby.
I know that things don’t happen on schedule – just because I’ve put a date on it, that doesn’t make it happen. I’ll trust that all of this will happen when it’s supposed to – and I know that God’s schedule isn’t necessarily what I think it should be. But He knows what’s best for us and I need to trust him….
From August 25th to Christmas… that’s four months. From August 25th to February 25th… that’s six months. Bobby and will probably live until we’re 80, which means that we’ll be married about 50 years… and in the big scheme of things, 6 months is only 1% of our married life.
It’s going to work out.
Later…
My brain is fried –will this day ever be over. I need to be doing stuff so badly, but all I can think about is the clock, and how many more hours I can left until 5pm. I feel trapped – I’m stuck in this place with these people and I can’t do anything. I can’t change my address on my utilities online, I can’t call anybody to talk about my stress, I can’t just let this day slip by so I can get out of here and take care of things. Will 5:00 NEVER come?
I just have to keep typing and looking busy until the end of the day comes… and meanwhile, I can feel next Tuesday’s meeting looming, and I’m not ready for it and I can’t make myself focus. I feel exactly like I used to when I was trying to write a paper in school – I knew the deadline was coming, but my brain just feels scrambled and physically incapable of focusing.
I have 2 more hours. I’m trying to figure out what I can do for 2 hours and 13 minutes that will make me appear to be hard at work, yet isn’t related to this place at all.
And I’ve been thinking… and I probably won’t think this at all tomorrow… but so what if I’m not totally up to speed on the stocking program? I’ve been here two freaking weeks – give me a break. And what if I never get fully up to speed… will they fire me? I doubt it. I put so much pressure on myself to exceed expectations – I set these irrational and insane standards for myself and I end up working my butt off for a company that, at the end of the day, got along fine before I came, and will get along fine after I leave. Like Jacobsen, for example – I poured myself into that place to an unreal extent, and then I left…. And they never missed a beat. It’s like I never existed. But I made that place one of the most important, and sometimes THE most important, thing in my life. That’s just screwed up.
I’m so ready to go. I don’t know what’s wrong with me… I’ve been a mess all day.
1 hour and 50 minutes to go….
I’ve decided to just write this day off and dedicate myself to really knocking crap out for the rest of the week. I could feel guilty about wasting this entire day, but I’m not going to. I’m just done. Done, done, done.
Ok, now there’s 1 hour and 40 minutes left. This is insane.
1 hour and 22 minutes to go.
Bobby’s mom called… she wants to go to dinner tonight, and she was offering game tickets for this weekend. I wish Bobby would call and let me know when he’s leaving Charlotte – I don’t want to go to dinner again with the just the two of us, and I think, based on her message, she thinks that Bobby is here. I’m going to get Bobby’s leaving time, and then call her back…
I need to measure the pantry space when I get home.. .and change clothes before going to the dry cleaner. I hope I make it before 6pm – I need to fly out of here at 5pm on the dot. I want to look up the Clemson football schedule, but there’s no way for me to do it while people are sitting behind me. I feel like I’ve already been suspiciously quiet today – don’t need to confirm my slackness by pulling up Clemson’s website.
I so wish that I had a tall wall – I’ve been trying to figure out how I’m going to hang stuff in this cube – it’s not exactly wall-space friendly. Short walls suck.
I wonder if I could rearrange my cube space in some way – wonder if it would be possible to face my computer in another direction….
Bobby called.
It’s now 4:00… we’re at an hour and counting.
I just took the required safety test – I keep forgetting to do it, and today’s a great day to knock it out since I’ve decided to do nothing. So it took care of 42 minutes… only 18 minutes to go.
